Protect the mindset

“If you are unhappy with anything… whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. “

How it feels like? Insomnia, random anxiety and panic attacks, exhaustion, irritability, feeling hopeless and numb….

I read this once: “Healing happened in the midst of conflict. When you’re frustrated, angry or scared and you’re doing the same old thing, and you suddenly realize that you have a choice to do it differently. “

I saved it at the time, I said the courage will come sooner or later. It never did. 

Getting overwhelmed with day to day tasks, either home or work related, and feeling alone in it is the worst feeling possible. Having no escape from this is like being in a cage. I sleep it off and do the same thing again the next day. 

I read a lot about triggers. I think I get angry or lost or irritated over something small or insignificant, which for me it makes complete sense in that moment, but others see it as overreacting. 

I get very angry when being told what to do and especially how to do it, it triggers how I've been controlled in the past. 

I hate being in situations I have no control over, feeling helpless was always a constant state I found myself in during childhood.

I struggle a lot to get through normal days. I feel isolated and alone. I feel like I haven’t been through what I have been in the last 20 years for nothing… just to end up being locked inside the same house, with the same people, doing the same things over and over again. 

Somehow, something clicked now and I want to see myself in colors again. To stop the sadness and obedience. To throw myself into it completely and not hold back.

I want to be able to fall in love with the sunrise again, to enjoy a rainy day, to lose myself in late night walks, to laugh from the heart with friends. 

My goal now? 

Search for MY passion, MY courage, MY drеams and happiness. Take fully control of myself again. I need myself to become mine again. I will no longer contribute to my own suffering to make other people feel happy. I can finally validate my feelings and work towards listening to them, little harder each day. 

We become what our thoughts are and I just wish myself to dedicate time daily and listen to them, to my dreams and desires. I promise that, if I find myself, I will never lose myself again to protect someone else’s feelings. I will not spend time or energy doing things I don’t enjoy or accepting things I am not ok with and will try my best to change my surroundings for my own wellbeing. 

No more hiding my true self. True freedom is when you’re happy inside. 

Protect the mindset ❤️