Not where I belong

They say writing is the best way to let everything out. So there it is. Another chapter of my stories, but this time it will be called "For my future therapist..."

I've been avoiding my feelings for a long time now and it's gotten out of control. To the point that it affects a lot of my personal and professional life. I've been avoiding friends and family and constantly trying to hide my true mood in front of everybody. 

I'm perfectly fine, there is nothing wrong,  I'm very happy. 

Only lies. 

I'm trying to heal from something I don't want to acknowledge and talk about.

Im anxious, depressed, angry,  sad, stressed, upset and unhappy. Ignoring and avoiding this was the first coping mechanism I learned. Thus... by distancing myself from the people around me it's not something new. 

But it grew inside me. Everyday. For years. The more I keep ignoring it and try to shut it down, the more my behavior changes and I cannot control it anymore. 

No, I'm not fine. 

No , it won't pass.

No, it's not gonna go away by itself. 

So, future therapist, I'm ready to tell you all about it.