Where do I begin ...

I'm not just having a bad day. Or my mood is down. It's like this everyday. And I hide it. I hide it very well. No one needs no know or worry or ask about it. Because that will lead to conversations and thoughts that I'm not ready to think and talk about. 

My brain feels foggy and my thoughts are blurred, spinning inside my head like a tornado. I feel disconnected from everything. Life feels heavy and with no purpose. I have to battle with my negative thoughts every day and it's nerve wrecking. I have no control over anything.  Especially how I feel. I feel trapped and I escape reality through music, that's my happy place. 

I imagine being somewhere else, with people I'm having fun with. I feel lonely, isolated, not understood and not heard. Like I don't exist anymore.

I started to lose my friends because cannot talk about what is going on with me, I avoid many conversations and can take me a long time to reply. I feel overwhelmed. But not sure of what. I keep myself busy not to think about anything. Not even my happy pills are helping too much. I was taking them with alcohol at some point at went too far, I lost control. I just wanted to be happy and lose myself in the moment. It even makes me more angry when I look back at the person I was, knowing that now that person is trapped somewhere and wants to come out desperately. 

Expressing what i feel has never been so difficult. I always had to defend myself so maybe that's why I push people away now, it's my battle to fight alone. 

It's not in my head anymore. I'm not crazy. Will not avoid or postpone it any longer. 

I want myself back.